My Fictional Interview with Prime Minister Paul Martin

I've always enjoyed the political satire from CBC's Air Farce; so I'm starting a new series called My Fictional Interviews with Canada's Politicians.

I was quite surprised when Prime Minister Paul Martin was the first to agree to be interviewed. I will try to keep my political bias to a minimum much like the Communist Broadcasting Corp. or should I use the more frequently used acroymn CBC.

Like all fictional interviews. I will choose a place and time. The interviewer's name will be Mik.

Let us begin.....

Paul Martin agreed to meet me at a nice little restaurant in Montreal at approx 7:00PM. He even brought a brown paper bag. We will get to that bag alittle later.

The Interview begins:


Mik: "Prime Minster Paul Martin, thanks for agreeing to meet for the interview."

Paul: "Mik, it's always a pleasure to talk to my people, er... I mean the people of Canada."

Mik: "Sounded like a Freudian slip of the tongue. It certainly sounds like you really want to be King of Canada."

Paul: "The media always make things up. I'll deny it and blame you for twisting the truth."

Mik: "You're right about the media; we can always twist the truth and make people believe what we want them to believe. I've always been amazed at how proficient the CBC has become on providing fiction as fact."

Paul: "The Liberals have been incredibly fortunate with CBC political coverage. That reminds me; I've got that meeting with the President of CBC to discuss the direction of our Liberal propaganda."
Strike that last comment!"

Mik: "Okay Paul, I will strike the last comment off the record." (don't think so)
"Off the record; Do you really wish you were King?"

Paul: "I'm already the King of Canada. I can appoint any judge, any senator, any politician within my cabinet to any position I want. I can basically push through any law that I want. My cabinet will always bow to me. No one can stop me."

Mik: "Bold words but so true of our parliamentary system. All you need is a scepter and a throne"

Paul: "I've been thinking about it. I've got access to the Royal Mint. I could ask them to melt down some gold and create a solid gold scepter."

Mik: "That's a quite a brash comment; have you been learning some new communication strategies from Scott Reid."

Paul: "It's good to be the King"

Mik: "You're a funny man Mr. Prime Minister. I can see why the liberal voters of Ontario love you so much. Ontario Liberals have always thought of themselves as the only true province of Canada and that everyone else should bow down to them. Ontario and Paul Martin are so much alike in that respect"

Paul: "Ontario has always been quite special to the Liberals; I will give all of Canada's money to them"

Mik: "On the Gomery Inquiry; do you really expect the public to believe that you did not play a role in the misuse of public money.

Paul: "The public heard my response" "I have said that I have no recollection of those specific events". The CBC told everyone the truth. (Mr Martins snickers and trys to hold back his laughter as he trys to impersonate Richard Nixon and his "I'm not a crook" speech.)

Mik: "Child care, seems to be a big issue this election. Who do you think makes the best decisions for their children"

Paul: "The Conservative plan doesn't work, it's all wrong. Stephen Harper is anti-gay"

Mik: "What does anti-gay have to do with child care"

Paul: "We can't really compete against the Conservatives plan of giving tax breaks to parent to make the best decisions for their children. The Liberals best defense is an offense that diverts people's attention to other topics."

"Off the Record; The liberal day care is the most ingenious idea of creating a new generation of young liberals. By giving money to government funded daycare institutions; we can control the liberal progranda that is taught to these young children. It is so easy to teach children "Liberals Good, Conservatives Bad". (Paul Martin smirks and puts his little pinky finger to his mouth and pretends he is Doctor Evil.)

Mik: "Oh, I almost forgot about the Liberal 3 Step Political Defense tatic. It is to be used anytime a Liberal politican gets caught doing something illegal."

Paul: "What are you talking about? Arggh..... Who spilled the beans about it!"

Mik: "Can't reveal my sources Mr Prime Minister but I've heard the 3 steps are;

Step One: "Deny the problem exists".

Step Two: "Lie about the problem that exists and lie about step 1 as a problem with media communication".

Step Three: "Blame the Conservatives as either part of the problem or change topic to a Conservative issue that eastern Canada doesn't like or understand"

Paul: "Damn, did you pull that from our New Liberal Communist Book, err.. I mean Red Book."(paul martin stammers and dithers)

"Jean Screw-me-over Chretien said it best; A proof is a proof. What kind of proof? It's a proof. A proof is proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it is proven."

"Confusion is the best truth the Liberals have to offer"

Mik: "Prime Minster Paul Martin, thank-you for an very informative and intriguing interview."

Paul: "Thank you Mik and here is a little gift." (Paul hands over a little paper bag and winks.) "I know this interview will be very favorable to me and the Liberals. I'll believe you'll take the time to find alot of fault in the Conservative platform."

Mik: (I open the paper bag and find thousands of dollars of taxpayer dollars) "Thanks again Mr. Prime Minster, your interview will be most enlightening for all Canadians."